The Benefits of Journaling For Co-Parents

 
 Many years ago, I noticed sharing my thoughts with others helped me work through issues and clarify my beliefs about various topics.  When I was sharing my thoughts, I noticed I had to explain ideas differently and elaborate on aspects that in my head made perfect sense but not when spoken out loud was not as clear for my listeners.   The confused looks and unexpected questions by others forced me to process my thoughts differently and refine my ideas and beliefs for them and for myself.  I already knew from writing papers in school that if I got my ideas on paper and then leave it for a while, when I returned to it I would see if differently and find grammatical errors as well as being able to clarify my ideas better.  So why wouldn’t this work with spoken thoughts?  Would it help me work through my thoughts the same way it worked when I spoke to others?  
 
I experienced something very interesting when I spoke my ideas and thoughts out loud when no one was around.  The words I used seemed to have my meaning to me and I could identify where I needed to spend more time clarify my own thoughts to myself.  I would get stuck trying to explain a concept or not know what to say next.  However, when these ideas were in my head, it always made perfect sense.  I also discovered that when I asked myself challenging and/or inquisitive questions, I would find out very quickly what ideas needed more research and uncovered underlying beliefs that represented my true desire, goals, and passions. 
 
This is the essence of journaling.  It is more than writing down words in your head or describing events in your life.  Journaling allows for self-discovery within the words on paper.  When you put down your thoughts on paper, you have the opportunity to consider them from different points of view or identify patterns in your behavior that would be more difficult when they are left in your head.     
 
In this co-parenting resource, I am introducing the practice of Journaling.   However, this type of journaling is not the same as keeping a record of events and behaviors for the purpose of winning a legal case.  In this resource you will learn about the use of journaling for personal growth and self-development.

WHY JOURNAL?
Divorce has been compared by many as war.  I liken it to being run over again and again by a bulldozer.  Whatever way you define it, most divorce/co-parenting situations can be a roller coaster of emotions that wears down all those involved.   Being involved in a hostile and uncooperative co-parenting relationship can also be a very lonely place.  Your friends, family, and neighbors may not understand what you are going through or understand the fears and challenges you are facing.  Even if they could understand, many co-parents don’t share such personal information with other in order to avoid judgement, embarrassment, shame, or guilt. 

In order to take on and conquer the challenges of co-parenting, you have to take care of yourself first.  One way to do this is by journaling.  By journaling on a regular basis, you will gain insight and identify patterns in your behaviors and emotions.  It will help you challenge unhealthy thought patterns, explore all sides, and monitor progress.  Although it can be cathartic to just get your thoughts on paper, the act of journaling is much more than ruminating over traumatic events in your life. 

Journaling allows you to purge emotions and stressors related to co-parenting.  It is a private way to reconnect with your inner voice and begin to trust yourself again, especially during those days when everything is going wrong and it does not ever seem like things will get better.  Using a journal to explore these difficult and often hopeless times will help you reconnect with your true self, work through irrational thought processes holding you prisoner, and encourage more rapid and thorough healing.

You can explore your thoughts and emotions without pressure from others or fear of criticism, which could help you find meaning and define your passions.  It will also help you identify areas you need to work on.  This is an important aspect of journaling because we all struggle with self-awareness at times.   
 
THE BENEFITS OF JOURNALING
         
I know it’s hard to believe, but there are more benefits to journaling.   Research has shown journaling can facilitate many mental / physical health benefits including, but not limited to: 

• decreasing the symptoms of asthma, arthritis, and other health conditions.
• improves cognitive functioning.
• strengthening the immune system, preventing a host of illnesses.
• counteracting many of the negative effects of stress.
• helping to strengthen your self-discipline
• improving communication skills
• lowers anxiety & stress via the emotional release you experience from journaling
• journaling about positive experiences will allow you to relive it and your brain releases endorphin

           and dopamine which helps to boost your self-esteem and confidence

• helps to improve your working memory
• works well to buffer and avoid symptoms of trauma
• helps to be more mindful and present
• assists in calming and clearing of your mind
• enhances your self-awareness to help identify triggers
• allows you to track your progress
• reduces rumination and promotes action
• planning and considering options and outcomes
• improves cognitive functioning
• increases optimism
• increases your openness to being more social and expand your social network

Disclaimer: If you find yourself overwhelmed while journaling or unable to process your thoughts without becoming too distressed, you may want to consider working with a psychologist or mental health therapist. 
 
HOW TO JOURNAL

“Practice makes perfect” my childhood piano teacher would say.  Practice will not make perfect when journaling, but you will get better and likely get more out of it if you have a consistent practice, preferably a daily practice.  I often provide the following caveat to the parents I see in my clinical psychology practice before they start journaling.  It will not feel right at first, but the more you do it (practice) the easier it will get and the more comfortable you will feel.  It’s like writing with your non-dominant hand.  It won’t feel right and you won’t be that good at it.  After a while, if you continue to practice, it will begin to feel more comfortable and your penmanship will improve.  Here are some more suggestions and considerations before you begin.

• You will get more out of journaling if you can write uncensored.  I recommend finding a place for

           your journal where no one will have access to your writing.   This will make you more comfortable
           exploring your thoughts and promote self-exploration. 

• Write your thoughts without much consideration at first.  I recommend just getting your words

           down on paper.  Don’t edit your thoughts or feelings and don’t correct your grammar.  Just keep
           writing.

• Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted

 

• Schedule time each day to journal and make it a priority (be sure to allow time to reflect on what

           you have written)

• You don’t have to use a fancy journal to write. I use a 2-subject notebook for 97 cents at Walmart. 

           However, there are some very nice journals out there and you may want to check them out.  I
           provide a list of some of the more popular journals later in this article.  The nice part about these
           journals besides looking great is they have prewritten prompts to help you. 

• Don’t worry about spelling or neatness.  The important part is that you can read what you wrote

           and understand what you were expressing on paper.   

• Date and time stamp your entries can be helpful if you want to know how you felt during a specific time in your life.  It is also helpful to identify patterns in your mood/behavior.

 

• Consider writing by hand versus typing your journal entries.  There is something about writing and reading your thoughts on paper that feels more personal and connected.  However, if you prefer to use your computer, tablet, or phone that is fine. 

 

• Try not to be judgmental of yourself

 

• Write about whatever you want to at that time (it’s up to you)

 

• It is helpful to go back through past journal entries and reflect on the progress you have made,

           especially because it is sometimes hard to measure progress.  It is also beneficial if you have a
           set-back and want to dismiss any progress you have made.   Past journal entries could help to                 challenge all-or-none thinking by showing you where you were and where you are now.
 
​
DIFFERENT WAYS TO JOURNAL
There are many ways to journal.  For the sake of brevity, I will share two popular examples to get you started. The first is a thought journal, which is a commonly used Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) tool.  The Thought Journal is designed to assist you in identifying, correcting, and replacing unhealthy, irrational thinking.  This is a more structured form of journaling and may appeal to those of you who are not as comfortable about freely writing your thoughts down on paper.   Below is an example of what a thought journal template may look like. 
 
         A                    B                C    
           (situations you become)       |           ( your Beliefs about A)     |          (emotional/behavioral
                                                                 |                                                           |            Consequences of B)
                                                             |                                                           |
                                                                 |                                                           |
                                                                 |                                                           |
                                                                 |                                                           | 

The other type of journal is a Gratitude Journal.  This type of journaling can have many forms and prompts, but the basic idea is that you write about what you are grateful for in your life.  I like this type of journaling because it asks you to focus on positive aspects of your life which are resources for you.  It also forces you to look for things you are grateful for when so much in co-parenting relationships can be negative and overshadow what is also positive in your life.  When we identify what we are grateful for or even what has come from situations that you are grateful for retrospectively, we shift our focus, promote improved mental health, and loosens up negative rigidity in our thinking, which is likely keeping you stuck and unhappy. In other words, if you are looking for it, you will find it.  Below are some examples of prompts for a gratitude journal.

• Write down 3 things that you are grateful for today.
• Who is the one friend you can always rely on?
• Today, I am grateful for…
• What is the biggest accomplishment in your professional life?
• What is a mistake that I’ve made, which ultimately led to a positive experience?
• What is the biggest lesson you learned in childhood?
• How is your life more positive today than it was a year ago?
• What do other people like about you?
• What is one thing you learned this week that you’re thankful for?
• What is a simple pleasure that you’re grateful for?
• Write about a happy memory?
• How are you able to help others?
• What’s a tradition you are grateful for?
• Write about a teacher or mentor who has made a positive impact on your life.
• Write about three things you are grateful for today.
• The best part of today has been?
• How are you being irrational in your co-parenting relationship?

 
 JOURNAL RECOMMENDATIONS
 
Gravitate 2 Gratitude – www.gravitate2gratitude.com – Amazon Description “Gravitate 2 Gratitude is an insightful and interactive gratitude journal.  This creatively designed sacred space is yours to read, write (even color) reflecting your unique spirit to paper; to witness your evolution and rejoice in your progress.  This is your opportunity to summon your infinite positive energy and awake to the little things that often go unnoticed that enrich your life every day.”
 
Start Where You Are –The Start Where You Are Journal offers a series of prompts, exercises, and inspirational quotes to help you flex your creative muscle and get to know yourself better.
 
Self-Discovery Journal For Men – Amazon Description – “121 Thought provoking questions, Self -discovery journal questions for men.  These questions are sure t make you think about who you are and where you are heading.  Why not spend a few minutes a day pondering over these questions and writing some of your thoughts down?  You don’t need to start from the very first page or the question, just choose a random question and start writing.”
 
Bullet Journal – www.bulletjournal.com – Website Description “The bullet Journal is a mindfulness practice disguised as a productivity system.  It’s designed to help you organize your what while you remain aware of your why.  The goal of the Bullet Journal is to help its practitioners (bullet journalists) live intentional lives, ones that are productive and meaningful.  All you need is a notebook and something to write with.”
 
The Five-Minute Journal – Amazon Description “Using the science of positive psychology to improve happiness. The Five-Minute Journal focuses your attention on the good in your life.  Improve your mental well-being and feel better every day.”
 
Wreck This Journal – Amazon Description “For anyone who’s ever had trouble starting, keeping, or finishing a journal or sketchbook comes this expanded edition of Wreck This Journal, a subversive illustrated book that challenges readers to muster up their best mistake-and mess-making abilities to fill the pages of the pages of the book-or destroy them”
 
This Journal Has Feelings - www.knockknockstuff.com  - Website Description “Whatever your #currentmood-cranky, angsty, sparkling, satisfied-this journal accepts you, just as you are.  Inside, find the adjective that best described your state, write about it, and then find yourself a little more tranquil.”
 
My Dysfunctions – www.knockknockstuff.com  - A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating  dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they’re all in a mind-numbing denial.
 
A FEW MORE THINGS TO CONSIDER
 
One final note on how to avoid some common journaling pitfalls.  Don’t be perfectionistic with your journaling.  Sometimes people will be too caught up on grammar and how they are expressing their thoughts.  So much so that they are not processing the content and spending too much time on the structure.  Earlier in this article you learned the importance of building a journaling habit.  However, don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t feel like writing one day or forgot to journal.  It’s ok.  You will have to figure out what days and times work best for you.  I have many clients who will tell me that they have tried journaling in the past but it just made them too stressed.  When we explore how they journaled, I often find they only spend time focusing on negative aspects of their life.  I suggest if you are going to focus on negative things consider mixing it up with intermittent positive prompts to shift your thinking and mood.  I hope this article inspires you to start your own journaling practice. 


DAILY JOURNAL TEMPLATE (Sample)
 
DATE: _____________                                                                                        TIME: ___________
 
IN THE MORNING:
 
I AM GRATEFUL FOR: (rel:, opportunity I have, (s) great happened, (s) simple)

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WHAT WOULD MAKE TODAY GREAT:

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS- I AM:

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN THE EVENING:
 
        HOW CAN I MAKE TOMMORROW  BETTER:

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THREE AMAZING THINGS TODAY:

1. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Journal Prompts to Get You Started

• What have you gained from being divorced?
• What has been positive about going through your divorce?
• How has your divorce made you a better parent?
• How has the co-parenting challenges you face negatively impacted your parenting?
• My favorite way to spend the day is
• Today I will…
• Make a list of ___ things that make you smile.
• What does unconditional love look like for you?
• If my body could talk it would say?
• What do you love about life?
• What surprised you the most about how you responded to your divorce?
• What have been your biggest mistakes since your divorce and what have you learned from them?
• If you could achieve anything in your life, what would it be and why?
  
• What are three things that scare you most about your divorce (or co-parenting) and why?
  
• What are three things you can do to enhance your mental well-being?
  
• What are some ways to keep your EX from pushing your buttons?
  
• Challenge yourself by doing something outside of your comfort zone. Then write how it felt before, during, and after the new behavior.
  
• Write about a difficult time in your life before your divorce and how you overcame it.
  
• Write a letter to your biggest supporter (you don’t have to give it to them if you don’t want to)
  
• If you could achieve anything in your life, what would it be and why?
  
• What are three things that scare you most about your divorce (or co-parenting) and why?
  
• What are three things you can do to enhance your mental well-being?
  
• What are some ways to keep your EX from pushing your buttons?
  
• Challenge yourself by doing something outside of your comfort zone. Then write how it felt before, during, and after the new behavior.
  
• Write about a difficult time in your life before your divorce and how you overcame it.
  
• Write a letter to your biggest supporter (you don’t have to give it to them if you don’t want to)
  
• What are three things that made you happy today?
  
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
  
• Describe a time during your divorce and/or as a co-parent when you failed. What did you learn from it?
  
• What are three of the biggest lessons you’ve learned from co-parenting?
  
• If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be and why?
  
• What does your ideal life look like?
  
• Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?
  
• How would you describe yourself to a stranger?
  
• What are your top 5 values in life?
  
• Describe how you can maintain those values as a co-parent?
  
• What is something nobody knows about you? Why have you kept it a secret?
  
• Write a bucket list of 100 things you want to do in your life.
  
• If I knew I could not fail this is what I would do.
  
• On my ideal day this is what I would do.
  
• The best piece of advice I have got since my divorce was__________, because.
  
• Write a letter to your 30, 40, 50 (whatever one applies) year-old self.
  
• Write about a co-parenting failure and what you learned or how it turned out for the best.
  
• What are my 3 most important goals for my children and how am I accomplishing these goals?
  
• If you have children write a letter for them to read at age 21.
  
• Write the eulogy you hope to have.
  
• What do I want my life to look like in 5 years? In 3 years? In 1 year?
  
• What is the most important goal from the above list and what is the first step to reaching it?
  
• What have I learned from each of the relationships I’ve had?
  
• What are three things that made you happy today?
  
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
  
• Describe a time during your divorce and/or as a co-parent when you failed. What did you learn from it?
  
• What are three of the biggest lessons you’ve learned from co-parenting?
  
• If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be and why?
  
• What does your ideal life look like?
  
• Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?
  
• How would you describe yourself to a stranger?
  
• What are your top 5 values in life?
  
• Describe how you can maintain those values as a co-parent?
  
• What is something nobody knows about you? Why have you kept it a secret?
  
• Write a bucket list of 100 things you want to do in your life.
  
• If I knew I could not fail this is what I would do.
  
• On my ideal day this is what I would do.
  
• The best piece of advice I have got since my divorce was__________, because.
  
• Write a letter to your 30, 40, 50 (whatever one applies) year-old self.
  
• Write about a co-parenting failure and what you learned or how it turned out for the best.
  
• What are my 3 most important goals for my children and how am I accomplishing these goals?
  
• If you have children write a letter for them to read at age 21.
  
• Write the eulogy you hope to have.
  
• What do I want my life to look like in 5 years? In 3 years? In 1 year?
  
• What is the most important goal from the above list and what is the first step to reaching it?
  
• What have I learned from each of the relationships I’ve had?
  
• When things get tough, I want to remember?
  
• What is something that you have overcome.
  
• Write about your victories this week.
  
• What do you think your life would be like if you didn’t _____?
  
• Write the words that you need/want to hear.
  
• What does your best day look like?
  
• List three things you would do if you weren’t afraid.
  
• What is your favorite memory of the other co-parent?
  
• Right now my greatest challenge is_____.
  
• This week I am looking forward to these three things ________.
  
• On a scale of 1-10 my mental health is at ____ because____.
  
• Describe a co-parenting situation that went well.
  
• What is your biggest learning moment as a co-parent this week?
  
• If I had never been divorced I would have never learned___about myself.
  
• How do you want your children to remember you?
  
• Name 10 things you can start doing to take care of yourself.
  
• What am I struggling with as a co-parent and how can I improve?
  
• Describe the perfect co-parenting relationship.
  
• When you are feeling stress, what songs make you feel better?
  
• Are you proud of how you are behaving as a co-parent?
  
• How many co-parenting promises have you made and how many have you fulfilled?
  
• Have you failed your children?  If so, how?
  
• How are you and the other co-parent similar?
  
• What are the differences between you and the other co-parent?
  
• What makes you happier, to forgive someone or to hate someone forever?
  
• What are your regrets as a co-parent?
  
• When was the last time you laughed and what did you laugh at?
  
• What has happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
  
• If you could change one thing about yourself what would it